More Coltrane for Caskett
by Mr.Mellow
Summary: As Beckett said that she loves Coltrane, here are a series of one shots that parallel music from the Coltrane album "Ballads". This is also a continuation of my previous series "Coltrane from Rick to Kate". You don't have to read it to follow these short stories. All 8 songs from "Ballads" now posted. COMPLETE
1. Say It (Over and Over Again)

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the songs.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This song is "Say it (Over and Over Again)". You can hear the song as played by the Coltrane quartet on YouTube.

/watch?v=v2wdE63_Da0

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

* * *

_Say it _

_Over and over again_

_Over and over again_

_Never stop saying you're mine_

* * *

A/N Sometime after Rick and Kate got together in Season 5 or 6

Rick and Kate lay there on his luxurious bed in post coital bliss. Her head laying on his chest, listening to his heartbeat slow after their earlier activities. As he looked at the ceiling, he played with her hair that lay on her shoulder that his hand rested on.

There was the faint glow of the candles lit around the bedroom. The vanilla scent washing over them, enhancing the aroma of carnal congress.

Rick sighed contently.

"I love you, Kate," Rick said breaking the afterglow silence.

Kate raised her head and kissed him gently.

"I love you, too," she responded as she laid her head back on his chest.

"I am so happy you're mine and I'm yours," he followed. "I am continually amazed by my good fortune that you are here with me."

"Me, too," she answered languidly as she ran her hands quietly over his chest.

"I hoped we would be like this someday," he continued.

"Hmm."

Rick looked down at the mane of chestnut hair and smelled the sweet bouquet of cherries. "I think my feelings for you started to crystalize when your apartment blew up. I'm not sure when it changed from wanting sex to wanting you but that is when it hit me. Looking back on it, I was yours from then on."

Kate thought back to then. "What about Ellie Monroe? You had sex with her after I had moved out of the loft," she said.

"I know," Rick answered. "Believe me, I still cringe about how stupid I was. For letting her use me to get the Nikki Heat role but more for how I hurt you. I almost fooled myself into believing that you weren't as annoyed with me as you were after the Tisdale case."

"And while she used me, I … I used her to see what my true feelings were for you. I know, I know … you don't need to say it … that was stupid, too. And I know it now. Believe me, I am sorry for how I hurt you."

He paused to think and then continued with a lower voice. "But I wasn't sure what I could do. I was afraid … afraid that if I expressed myself to you … well, you would have Montgomery kick me out. I thought you still were very irritated with me."

"But now we're here," Kate responded. "I am glad we are here, too. And that you're mine and I'm yours."

"Always."

* * *

_Say it _

_Ever and ever so sweet_

_Ever and ever so sweet_

_Just like an old valentine_

* * *

A/N During 5x14 Reality Star Struck

"She already hated you Castle. So it doesn't sound like you're any worse off," Kate said as she walked through the door to her bedroom.

As Castle followed her and put his coat on a chair, he said, "I do respect the way she handled it, though. Strong, decisive. I feel that somehow it brought us closer. Am sorry about the earrings though."

"Yeah, me, too. They were … stunning."

"Hmm. I will get you something else, even more beautiful, just try not to give it to another woman first," Castle continued.

"Umm, that would be nice," Kate said absentmindedly as she rubbed a finger on the duvet.

Castle came up behind her and rubbed on her arms and then enfolded her in his. "Which reminds me, what did you get me?"

Kate had thought hard about his gift. What do you give a man who has everything? Any electronic toy he would want, he already has. Plus, being their first Valentine's Day as a couple, the gifts should be more personal, more intimate than some cold, sterile inanimate object.

Every time she showed something intimate about herself, every time she opened up to him, he took the story, the opening, the layer of the Beckett onion with joy and respect as if it was a priceless gift. From the time she told him about her father's watch and her mother's ring to the story of the stick figure in her desk drawer, he had always treated her and her stories with reverence. By telling Castle her stories, she was letting him inside her fortress. Now that he a breeched the fortress around her heart, she knew that something intimate was what she needed to give him. She needed to show that he had built a bridge across the chasm around her heart.

Beckett turned and lovingly gazed into Castle's eyes, then stepped over to the dresser. She tapped a drawer and said, "Open it."

With a big grin Castle strutted over to the dresser facing Kate. He smiled at her and then opened the drawer.  
She smiled back as he opened it and reached his hand inside.

He felt around in the drawer and found nothing inside. Confused, he stood up and looked at her.

"Maybe it's in another drawer."

Kate smiled at him and said, "It is the drawer."

Rick bolted up and looked into her eyes. His surprise was evident.

"It's your drawer," she added.

It took him a moment to figure out what it meant. Then it dawned on him, his expression changed from surprise to understanding and love.

"Uh, I mean it's not the light saber, but …"

"No … it's perfect," Rick interrupted knowing how much this meant. She was opening up to him further. She was allowing, asking him to metaphorically fill an empty space in her life. And to him this was a most precious gift.

Kate leaned in to Rick and kissed him.

"Happy Valentine's Day," she smiled as she kissed him again.

She unbuttoned a button on his shirt and said, "Take off your clothes, put them in your drawer and meet me in the bed."

* * *

_When you say "I love you"_

_The same old "I love you"_

_They whisper in stories and plays_

_You can change "I love you"_

_The same old "I love you"_

_To such a heavenly phrase_

* * *

A/N Sometime after Rick and Kate are married (I hope) in Season 7

Beckett and Castle were strolling hand-in-hand toward the movie theater to see an evening showing of the latest summer blockbuster.

Rick stopped and looked over at Kate. His grin showed he just thought of something that he thought was very amusing.

Kate turned and looked at him, "Care to share with the class, Castle?"

Rick answered, "Here I am, out on a date with a fierce, intelligent woman, one of New York's finest, who happens to be smokin' super model hot by the way, and my wife is OK with it."

"Hmm, I guess she is," Kate answered with a smile.

Rick continued, "And here you are out on a date with a millionaire, bestselling mystery author who happens to be ruggedly handsome, and your husband is OK with it."

"I suppose he is. I haven't heard him object," Kate smiled.

"And you and I are probably going back to the loft and having sex, right?" Rick asked.

"If you're a good boy, maybe you will get lucky," Kate teased.

"It's so forbidden, sinful isn't it? Adulterous." Rick continued with a gleam in his eyes.

"When you put it that way, yes it is." Kate said reflecting Rick's expression. "But won't your wife object to you having sex with this smokin' super model hot woman?"

"Well, my wife does carry a gun. She may shoot me. I'll call her and ask," Rick smiled. He pulled out his cell and scrolled through his contacts.

At the same time Kate's phone rang. She put up one finger and said to him, "I have to take this call. It's my husband." She stepped a few steps away from Rick.

"Hey, babe." Kate said into her phone.

Meanwhile, Rick said into his phone, "Hey, I've got this smokin' hot NYPD detective who wants to have sex with me. Do you think it's OK?"

"Hmm," Kate said into her phone. "I've got this ruggedly handsome, bestselling mystery novelist who wants to have sex with me. And I think I may indulge him. What do you think?"

Then both of them said into their phones, "I think it's a great idea."

They both hung up their cell phones laughing and then kissed.

As they separated, Kate chuckled, "You are such a silly man, Richard Castle. It's a good thing we're married."

"Yes it is," Rick answered smiling. "Yes it is."

* * *

_Say it_

_Softly and gently and then_

_Over and over again_

_Never stop saying you're mine_

* * *

A/N On Rick and Kate's wedding day, sometime in Season 7 perhaps?

Rick worked the crowd with his usual aplomb. Telling jokes, stories and reminisces with the guests. Thanking them for coming, shaking hands and then moving on to the next cluster of invitees. Finally, Rick scanned around all the people there and then he saw her. There Kate was, dressed in that beautiful white dress. The veil, pulled back for the reception, surrounding her head of chestnut hair like an aura. She was mingling with some of the guests to her reception.

"She's a beautiful bride," someone said to Rick. "She looks like she is very happy."

Not taking his eyes off the gorgeous visage, Rick could only nod.

His voice coming back he added, "I hope she always stays that way."

Then Rick heard someone tapping their glass with a spoon. Rick turned and saw it was the usual suspect, Esposito.

Rick strode over to Kate as she turned away from conversing with her guest.

"Detective Beckett, I do believe one of your cohorts is causing trouble. Don't you think you can keep control of them?" Rick teased with a grin.

"Richard Castle, I'm off duty now. And here I have a new name. So I would appreciate it if you used it." Kate returned.

"Alright, Mrs. Castle, I think there is a request, no, a demand for some kissing."

"Well, Mr. Castle, if we must, we must," Kate rejoined rolling her eyes.

Rick pulled her close and gave her a passionate kiss to the sound of wolf whistles.

As they pulled apart Kate said tenderly, "I'm so glad we made it. I love you, Rick."

"And I'm glad you're my wife, Kate. So glad. I love you, too," Rick said as he kissed her again.


	2. Too Young to Go Steady

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the ballads.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This song is "To Young to Go Steady". You can hear the song as played by the Coltrane quartet on YouTube.

watch?v=vgOY_e64mbk

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

* * *

_Too young to go steady_

_Too young, I hear her say_

_She says we're not ready_

_But then why am I feeling this way?_

* * *

A/N: During 6x15 Smells Like Teen Spirit

Beckett and Castle were relieved. Finally, they caught the killer at Castle's alma mater right during the prom. They were standing in the hallway near the exit that the uniformed officers had taken the conspirators.

A few of the students were milling in the halls. Principal Duncan and the chaperones were herding them back into the gym to prevent any trouble.

Kate chuckled. "They look like they're having fun," Kate said.

"Yeah," Castle responded looking at all the happy prom goers.

"Listen, I know you're a rebel and hate convention and blah, blah, blah. But, Kate, would you, uh, will you go to the dance with me?" Castle said as he held out his hand.

Kate smiled at him and took his hand.

They walked out onto the gym floor. It had been transformed from the stark and barren gym to the magical "Starry Knight" prom theme. The song "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle was playing. There were many couples in each other's embrace slow dancing to the haunting love song. Rick and Kate joined the other couples on the dance floor.

Kate's head rested on Rick's shoulder. She then thought of something and looked up at Rick. "Do you regret it? That prank, missing your prom, not being here with Audra Dobson?" She asked.

"Not even a little bit," Rick answered. "Everything I've ever done, every choice I've ever made, every terrible and wonderful thing that's ever happened to me, it's all lead me to right here, this moment with you."

Kate tenderly smiles at Rick, then returns her head to Rick's shoulder.

"I've always loved this song," Rick and Kate said simultaneously.

Kate picked up her head again and looked into Rick's eyes questioning.

"Could it be we just found a song?" Rick asked.

Kate smiled at Rick back saying "yes" with her eyes.

Then, over on the edge of the dance floor there appeared Jordan Gibbs in a black and white tuxedo dress.

"Castle," Kate said looking at the arrival.

Castle turned and saw Jordan searching the dance floor. She walked a few steps and then saw Lucas Troy, her hero, her knight in shining armor. Jordan walked up to Lucas as he turned to her. She lovingly wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close to her in a hug as if to thank him for what he had done for her and expressing hope for a deepening relationship.

"Talk about magnetism," Rick commented on the joy before him.

"Oh, that reminds me," Kate followed. "I had uni's sweep Lucas's house. Do ya know what they didn't find? Wires, magnets, anything that would explain that stuff we saw flying around."

Rick and Kate continued to watch Jordan and Lucas dancing.

Rick turned to Kate and asked, "You don't think?"

"No," Kate answered. "Now shut up and kiss me."

* * *

_Too young, so she tells me_

_She says we'll have to wait_

_Why wait till it may be too late?_

* * *

A/N After 6x15 Smells Like Teen Spirit

As they prepared for bed at the loft, Rick asked Kate, "Do you regret it, not going to your prom? Going to that poetry reading?"

Kate didn't pause, "No, not at all. Every kid has to go through their phases. Try on different personas, different ways of living. That is part of being young. And maybe just a little reckless."

"Yeah, knowing what I did as a kid, I worried about Alexis. Both ways, doing something reckless but also maybe not doing anything that she could remember fondly later in life. But now, with her living with Pi, I feel like she is breaking through into her reckless phase. And I can't be there to catch her when she falls."

"Castle, Alexis is a good kid. You've raised her well, although sometimes I wonder how," Kate teased.

"But being a parent means you have to let go sometimes. My parents had to let me go through my wild child phase, rebel Becks. And my dad said he worries every day since I got my badge. But he knew he had to let go. Let me leave the nest. Or whatever other cliché is appropriate, Mr. Writer," Kate smiled.

"I know Alexis is a good kid. But I still worry about her. About her choices. I guess I have been on high alert since that Paris experience." Rick said as he climbed into bed.

Kate got in her side of the bed.

Rick continued, "Hell, I had a bad feeling about her going to Costa Rica. In one sense I was right, she brought back Pi, and I haven't been feeling good about it since."

"She'll be fine, Castle. While I may agree with you about Pi, she needs to figure it out on her own."

"I guess you're right," Rick answered sadly.

"She's grown up and no longer your little girl that needs you for everything." Kate added.

"There is one person that needs you, maybe not for everything, but for a lot of things," Kate continued while she put her arm around Rick and kissed him.

"And some people never grow up," Rick chuckled. "But there isn't anyone here who fits that description, is there?"

"Oh, no," Kate responded rolling her eyes.

Rick turned off the bedside light then rolled over to Kate and gave her a kiss.

Rick said, "Good night, Kate. I love you."

"Night. I love you, too."

* * *

_Can she realize she drives me wild?_

_Is she made of stone?_

_Must she always act just like a child?_

_Won't she ever own up, we're grown up?_

* * *

A/N After 3x24 Knockout

After Kate was shot at Captain Montgomery's funeral, Rick quickly finished the next Nikki Heat book so he could spend as much time as possible investigating Kate's shooter. He spent most of his waking hours (and many he should have been sleeping) finding leads and chasing them down. He was a man obsessed. Rick had never worked this hard in his life.

He needed to do this because every time he took a breath, his mind went back to those fateful seconds. Those terrible seconds when he saw the glint of the gun sight and couldn't get to Kate before she was shot.

He followed Ryan and Esposito around to the various scenes that their investigation took. They explored the records room, did internet searches and kept on coming to dead ends.

Meanwhile, murderers didn't take a hiatus while Beckett was gone. Rick watched the boys as they worked some of the other cases but it wasn't the same, all of them missed Beckett's presence.

The interim captain didn't object to Castle following Ryan and Esposito around. The captain knew about the Nikki Heat books and the commissioner had instructed him to leave things as Montgomery had left them. Any changes would wait until the new captain was named.

The "Three Amigos", as they started calling themselves, had little time for the Old Haunt or much of anything else. Solving current cases while investigating Beckett's attempted slayer took all of the three's time. Ryan's wife, Jenny, worried about Kevin but understood the need to find Beckett's shooter before there was a chance of a deadly repeat.

Lanie understood, too. She wanted to do as much as she could for her best friend. She knew that Javi would do everything he can.

Castle was alone.

While they may have suspected Rick's intense feelings for Kate, Martha more so than Alexis, Martha and Alexis didn't totally understand his obsession with finding the shooter. Both worried that it could have been him shot rather than Beckett. "You shouldn't be playing cop," they told him. "You need to leave it to the professionals."

* * *

"22 days, 15 hours, 27 seconds since I last saw Kate," he thought early one morning. "I sound like Mr. Spock."

"I hope she is ok," he thought. "I wonder if Doctor Motorcycle Boy is tending to her. DMB better be treating her like the precious gift she is. No, he is probably healing Africa when he should be healing her."

The sound of her voice was fading in Rick's mind, her expressions, and even her eye rolling. Everything was fading from his mind except for two things, his love for her. How she made him feel. It burned within him, forced him to continue the investigation as if he had no will of his own.

Every time he stopped to think about it, he honestly couldn't' remember feeling like this before. Both the euphoria of being in love and the despondency at the unrequitedness of it. Mostly, he thought about it before going to sleep or just waking up.

He tried not to think about the other thing about Kate, the shooting. How she couldn't remember what he said. "Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." Her blood all over her uniform, his hands. His tackle that was too late to prevent that bullet from grazing her heart.

* * *

_Someday she'll be sorry_

_Someday just wait and see_

_She'll wish she'd gone steady with me_

* * *

A/N Sometime After 4x24 Always

"Penny for your thoughts," Kate said as she smiled at Rick.

Rick had a faraway look in his eyes tinged with sadness. His mouth was turned down and his head was tilted up as if he saw something on the ceiling that was revolting.

Rick broke his sad reverie and answered, "For some reason, I was thinking about the summer of regret and healing and how we've both changed from back then. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I think of the ways I screwed up. Because of that, I … I try to be better about letting you know how I feel. And how I should help our communication."

"I think we're getting better, Rick. We've both changed," Kate agreed.

"And I also think about what we have right now, where we are. And even though we went through difficult times, it's made us both stronger. Maybe wiser, at least you're wiser. I am probably hopeless," Rick smiled.

Rick strode over to Kate and took her in his arms.

Rick continued, "And how our love is a good love … a strong love … a love that has lived through the trials. And, I'd like to think that we are now reaping our happy ending."

Rick leaned down and kissed Kate. They broke their kiss and touched their foreheads together.

Added Kate, "And they lived happily ever after."

* * *

A/N: This one was a different one to write to because Rick and Kate aren't "Too Young to Go Steady". :)


	3. You Don't Know What Love Is

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the songs.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

Part of this entry is an extension of "A Deadly Game" and another part is extended from "Knockdown".

This song is "You Don't Know What Love Is". You can hear the song as played by the Coltrane quartet on YouTube.

watch?v=JrwSuy6ZBjI

There is an Ella Fitzgerald version with vocals on YouTube also.

watch?v=mhabqA4W4AA

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

* * *

_You don't know what love is_

_Until you've learned the meaning of the blues_

_Until you've loved a love you've had to lose_

_You don't know what love is_

* * *

A/N After 2x24 A Deadly Game

"Lanie, you don't know how stupid I felt." Kate moaned. She dropped her head to her hands looking defeated.

"I just broke up with Demming. I was going to ask him if the invitation to go to the Hamptons with him was still open. Boy, did I get the message that it wasn't."

"Ok, sweetie. It will work out for you." Lanie answered.

The two friends sat in silence on the couch in Kate Beckett's apartment. A bottle of "Two Buck Chuck" between two wine glasses on the coffee table in front of Kate and Lanie.

* * *

Lanie had seen the encounter at the precinct through a glass door. She could see the devastation in Kate's eyes when Castle and the blond female walked away arm in arm.

Lanie looked at Captain Montgomery in silence and he responded with a nod. Lanie took that to mean for her to take care of her friend.

Lanie watched Kate go to her desk, pull the chair away and then sit in her chair landing so hard she thought Kate may go through the floor. Kate picked up paperwork on her desk but wasn't focused on the words on the page.

Lanie walked up to Kate and took her hand.

"Girlfriend," Lanie said. "Girlfriend, let's get out of here. There is a Trader Joe's nearby. Let's get some wine and cheese and go to your place, huh?"

"Lanie, I have all this paperwork to finish. I can't." Kate responded.

"Beckett," Captain Montgomery said. "You finished the main paperwork for booking the suspect. The ADA can wait for the rest of it tomorrow."

Kate paused, looking up at her captain.

"Get outta here! That's an order," Montgomery said with a serious face. Then his face softened with a smile and a twinkle in his eye.

"By the way, good work on the case."

"Thank you, sir," Kate responded.

Kate rose from her desk, grabbed her coat and walked to the elevator with Lanie.

* * *

Lanie continued to look at her friend in silence, thinking about what she should say next to help her best friend, to relieve Kate's pain.

Kate sat with her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lanie asked quietly. "If you don't ... I … I understand. But maybe … just maybe talking about it will help."

Kate didn't move for a moment. Between the feeling of despair and longing for the unattainable, she thought that her friend may be right.

"Ok, yeah … give me a minute. I … I probably look like hell right now. Let me go to the bathroom to wash my face," answered Kate.

Kate had kept it together the entire time in the precinct. Nothing came from her as they went to Trader Joe's. Silence reigned through their trek to Kate's apartment. Once she got to her new apartment, she let go. Crying, sobbing and then finally calmed down.

Kate looked at herself in the mirror. Tears dried on her face, a Kleenex balled up in her hand. Mascara running down her cheeks, her eyes swollen and red, her nose almost the same color as her eyes. "I make a lovely sight, don't I?" she thought.

Kate turned on the faucet and grabbed a facecloth. Wetting it in the cool stream, she cleaned off the mascara on her face. The cooling water made her redness diminish. She rinsed the washcloth and rubbed her face again.

As she walked out of her bedroom into the living area, she heard Lanie on her cell. "20 minutes? Ok. Thanks," Lanie said into her phone. "Chinese is coming soon. That ok?"

"Thanks, Lanie. Just what I need about now."

Kate moved back over to the space she left a few moments before.

She turned to Lanie, who had remained on the sofa the entire time. Kate said, "Both Espo and Montgomery said things to me that got me thinking."

Kate paused looking at Lanie. She then lowered her eyes.

"This case … we just finished? I was walking in the bullpen with Montgomery. We were discussing the case and Montgomery said "2 affairs, a loveless marriage. It's a shame that a man had to die because all the people involved were too scared to say what they really felt.""

Lanie nodded. "So you thought he wasn't talking about the case then? He may have been talking about you?"

Kate nodded in response.

Kate continued, "And Espo was even more direct. He said to me that Castle "has enough material for 50 books. Whatever the reason he's following me around, it doesn't include me being with another guy.""

"Javi can be rather direct. I guess his Special Forces training makes it so he doesn't mince words." Lanie responded.

"After thinking about what both of them said, I thought about Demming and Castle. And I thought I wanted Castle. So, I broke up with Tom." Kate continued.

"Both of them had asked me to spend the weekend with them. Tom at a place he had found, Castle at his house in the Hamptons."

Kate paused.

"I am such an idiot," Kate moaned. "Castle asked me first, even though I was dating Demming. I … I don't think he knew. Then Castle heard Tom ask me to a place he found. And I said to Castle "I didn't want it to get awkward between us." So, Castle must have thought there was no way I would come with him now that I was with Demming."

"So you think Castle moved on?" Lanie asked.

"That's what you probably saw. That was Gina. His publisher … and ex-wife," Kate added.

"Oh, my," Lanie responded with her hand covering her mouth.

"Castle had been hiding from her for the past couple of days because he hadn't finished the latest Nikki Heat novel. I even talked to her on the phone."

Kate paused again. A single tear ran down her cheek.

"They reconnected. So Castle asked her to come to the Hamptons. She's going for the summer to "keep on top of him" to finish the book."

"Yeah, I bet she keeps on top of him," Lanie added sarcastically.

"I'll probably never see him again, Lanie." Kate cried.

"Oh, sweetie." Lanie answered.

Lanie hugged her friend to comfort her while Kate sobbed quietly.

* * *

_You don't know how lips hurt_

_Until you've kissed and had to pay the cost_

_Until you've flipped your heart and you have lost_

_You don't know what love is_

* * *

A/N During 3x13 Knockdown

Rick Castle sat in the ambulance with his hand still throbbing. Beating Lockwood with all he could had done some damage. He couldn't let Lockwood get off another shot at Kate. So he jumped on him and pounded him into the ground.

The EMT had wrapped his hand very tightly with the bandage causing him to wince in pain.

It almost made him forget that kiss.

Yeah, it was a distraction kiss. To make the guard think that they were lovers walking down the street. Not a cop and partner trying to save their friends. So no, it wasn't supposed to be a real kiss.

Just a fake.

A facsimile.

A ruse.

A con.

It sure didn't feel like that to him.

It felt real.

Passionate.

Intense.

Fiery.

But then his hand throbbed. The gauze was way too tight. He started to unwrap his hand.

Kate Beckett walked up to the ambulance and sat across from Castle.

"Hey there Chuck Norris," Kate opened.

Kate looked down at his bandaged right hand.

"How's the hand?"

"Uh, excruciating," he answered as she gently (lovingly?) rewrapped his hand. "How's Ryan and Esposito?"

"Hmm, mild hypothermia, wounded pride. Guess which one will heal first?" Kate responded sardonically.

Kate finished wrapping Castle's hand then gently rubbed her thumb on his hand. Almost like a caress it seemed to Rick.

Rick looked up and smiled at Kate.

"Thank you," Kate said.

Castle gave her a look as if to say "for what?"

Kate continued, "For having my back in there."

"Always." Rick answered.

* * *

_Do you know how a lost heart fears_

_The thought of reminiscing?_

_And how lips that taste of tears_

_Lose their taste for kissing_

* * *

A/N After 3x13 Knockdown

It was a late night. The investigation on the scene took a long time. The adrenalin from the incident finally wearing off, Kate was at last at home, in her bed on her back, unable to sleep, staring at the shadows and lights from the street dancing on her ceiling.

Because she discharged her weapon and especially because she killed at least two suspects, she was placed on paid administrative leave pending the investigation.

It was a formality, but regulations were regulations. IA would be going over everyone's statements, including Castle's before rendering a judgment. It would take IA a couple of days at most to clear Kate. There would be a hearing also because of the deaths.  
"Karpowski will be pissed," Kate thought. "With Espo and Ryan out for a couple of days on medical and me out for IA, she'll be doing double duty at the precinct."

Kate was trying to think of anything but the kiss.

That kiss.

The stunt.

"Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that it didn't mean anything," she thought.

"Whiskey! Tango! Foxtrot! Argh, Espo has infected me, thinking military phonetic alphabet," she considered.

She touched her lips with her fingers. Lingering there, she could almost still feel the warmth from Castle's lips.

She thought, "Kissing Josh never felt like that. Hell, it wasn't one kiss. Castle just grabbed me to prevent me shooting the guard. He pulled me in for a kiss to distract the guard."

She slammed the hand touching her lips down on the bed.

"Damn, he did more than distract the guard. What was I thinking? I pulled away, then I went in for seconds," she mused.

"And I didn't stop at the lips," she continued in her mind. "I went in with tongue, too."

She covered her face with her hands.

"I thought I heard a moan. Did I moan? Oh god, what does Castle think of me now?"

She pounded the bed again.

"Damn it Castle. Either that man is an idiot or he is very brave. I'm not sure what. Following me in there unarmed, without a vest and multiple armed and dangerous suspects in there. What was he thinking?"

Kate rolled on her side.

"But he had my back. I can count on him."

She fluffed her pillow and lay back down on her side.

"But why? Why can I count on him? He's not a cop. He has little training. Yet he will follow me. He may be willing to follow me into the gates of hell for all I know."

She looked over at her nightstand. There it was, "Heat Wave", with the binding edge pointing at her.

Her book.

The book he wrote about her and dedicated to her.

Castle wrote.

Castle dedicated.

He brought coffee.

His lips touching hers.

"That was one hell of a ruse, Castle. Damn you. That kiss has ruined me for now. But I'll get over it."

She reached over to touch "Heat Wave".

"Good thing Josh is on shift now. I don't know what to tell him about this. Or if I even can."

She rolled back on her back, looking up at the ceiling again.

"I can't get it out of my mind. Good thing I am out for a few of days. I don't think I can look at Castle anytime soon. Maybe I can ignore it and Castle won't ask me about it."

* * *

_You don't know how hearts yearn_

_For love that cannot live yet never dies_

_Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes_

_You don't know what love is_

_You don't know how hearts yearn_

_For love that cannot live yet never dies_

_Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes_

_You don't know what love is_

_What love is_

* * *

A/N After 3x13 Knockdown

Kate Beckett wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep.

Rick couldn't sleep either. He took a PM type pain medication but it didn't help. He was still on a "high" from the evening's events.

Yeah, his hand was throbbing from the beating he gave Lockwood, but that wasn't what was keeping him awake. The pain medication was working.

Since his hand was bandaged, he couldn't write anything on the laptop. So he lay in bed looking at his ceiling wondering about Kate.

Thinking about the kiss. They kissed. And it wasn't a fake kiss even though they did it as a deception.

"Hell, I am only deceiving myself if I think I didn't feel anything from that kiss," he thought. "That was not a "lowercase" kiss. No. That was an all caps kiss. K! I! S! S!"

"Did she feel fireworks? She had to feel something, didn't she?"

He thought back to earlier this evening.

"She moaned didn't she? And she came in a second time. She didn't pull away. And she used tongue. That was no normal kiss," Rick mused.

"But I can't ask her about it. She's with Josh for God sakes. I'll wait for her to mention it. Maybe when she's ready, we can talk about it."

* * *

A/N: I hope you found this reasonably close to Castle canon.


	4. All or Nothing at All

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the songs.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This song is "All or Nothing at All". You can hear the song as played by the Coltrane quartet on YouTube.

watch?v=thCsu5ZvPlo

There is a Diana Krall version with vocals on YouTube also.

watch?v=GHyT8m6mSuI

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

* * *

_All or nothin' at all_

_Half a love never appealed to me_

_If your heart, never could yield to me_

_Then I'd rather have nothin' at all_

* * *

A/N During 1x01 Flowers For Your Grave

"What a jackass," thought Detective Kate Beckett. "Richard Castle was such an arrogant … uuargg! I cannot believe how he acted in the interrogation room. "I'd be happy to let you spank me." Yeah, right. I'll do more than that, I'll … Whoa, Kate, let's not get ahead of yourself, you have two murders to solve."

She stood next to her desk looking at her murder board with the two crime scene photos posted. Two murders straight from Richard Castle's novels.

"Calling me a fan," she thought. "What does he think he is, God's gift to mysteries? Or women? Or both?"

She continued to stare at the pictures, the flowers covering Allison Tisdale's body, the pentagram with Marvin Fisk's body in the middle.

"Why would a murderer use that playboy's novels as a crime scene? That playboy with bimbettes and celebutants on each arm? What about Richard Castle does the murderer connect with?"

She sat on the edge of her desk, continuing to glower at the murder board. There was little to connect the two murders except for Rick Castle.

"Maybe tomorrow, when that egotistical 'novelist' sends his fan mail over, we will find something," she thought. "Maybe I should reread "Flowers for Your Grave" again to see if there was anything I missed."

She looked at the time, after midnight, and decided it was time to get a little sleep before returning to the murders in the morning.

"Perhaps there is something in his other novels that may shed light on these two. Good thing that he won't be around, though. That arrogance will not work in the precinct. That playboy will never fit in here. He's so shallow, he would dry up in a minute in the sun," Kate mused.

"I'm going home," Kate said looking up to the now empty bullpen. She thought there was someone still there, but she was the only one left.

* * *

Rick Castle was sound asleep. He had a long night. After his final Derrick Storm book launch party and then being dragged down to NYPD's twelfth precinct, Rick had an eventful night. Then coming home to his mother entertaining a male guest, it was just a bit much.

So Rick Castle slept. Until a sound came.

"What is that annoying sound?" Rick thought. "Oh, damn, that's that special ring tone I made for one person."

Rick groped around the nightstand for his cell. Finally, after seemingly being unable to control his hand and arm, he had the phone.

"Good morning, Gina. And what do I have the pleasure of receiving a call from you for?" Rick asked.

"First of all, Rick," Gina responded with a biting 'K' at the end of his given name. "It is afternoon. Second, and more importantly, you left the Derrick Storm launch party early in the custody of the police. Black Pawn has been trying to keep you out of jail, Richard, but if you keep up the extreme bad boy, it may force a reevaluation of your contract."

"Gina, you'll be happy to know I wasn't being arrested. Actually, I have a copycat killer. Someone has been murdering people the same as a couple of my novels. The NYPD wanted to talk with me about that," Rick smugly responded.

"Richard Castle! Don't lie to me! The NYPD asking you for help? Yeah, right." Gina sarcastically retorted. "Richard, even in your most outlandish story, you spinning a tale for a book, no one would believe that you would be even close to a murder investigation."

"Gina, believe what you want," rejoined Rick. "This NYPD detective, Kate Beckett, questioned me about these murders. Oh, by the way, can you get my fan mail sent over to the 12th precinct? There may be a clue to the murderer in my mail."

"Alright Rick, I'll humor you," said Gina. "I'll get one of the interns to collect the mail and drive it over. Detective Beckett you say?"

"That's right."

"Ok, they'll have it in a couple of hours."

"Oh, and Gina."

"Hmm."

"Please send over an advance copy of "Storm Fall." I need to sign it and give it to someone, a big fan."

"Are you going to sign her chest, too?" questioned Gina.

"No, I don't think so."

"Rick, you'll have the advance copy tomorrow."

"Thanks, Gina. You are a great publisher, no matter what they say about you," teased Rick.

Gina blubbered trying to find a way to retort to Rick. Failing to find anything she just responded, "Goodbye, Rick."

"Bye, Gina."

* * *

_All or nothin' at all_

_If it's love, there is no in-between_

_Why begin then cry for somethin' that might have been_

_No I'd rather have nothin' at all_

* * *

A/N During 3x16 Setup

Detective Beckett's radioactivity detector went off while they were in the storage unit. Beckett and Castle left the unit quickly as Beckett radioed in the detector alarm to dispatch.

Quickly the HAZ MAT team went into overdrive. Because they were exposed, both Beckett and Castle were rushed into a HAZ MAT shelter to isolate them from the environment to prevent the possibility of contaminating anywhere else.

Rick went into is worst case scenario writer mode and came up with a nuclear bomb.

Beckett, for her part, wanted to discuss something else. They didn't know how long they would be stuck in the HAZ MAT shelter.

"How's Josh?" Rick asked trying to find something else to talk about not knowing he stepped into a sensitive subject.

"Fine," Kate responded with some lack of enthusiasm. Her lips tightened into almost a grimace.

She continued, "He's … um … he's on his way to Haiti to do another "Doctors Without Borders" mission."

"How long?"

She rolled her eyes and said very quietly, "I don't know."

Looking away from Castle, she sighed.

While she paused, Castle thought, "How can two people in a relationship not communicate what is happening, where they are going and for how long?"

Beckett resumed, "It's so funny, Castle, ya know, at first I loved that he was so busy. It's just … it gave me an opportunity to keep one foot out the door, just in case..."

Castle responded, "But with one foot out the door, it's hard to know where you stand."

"Then even if I did, what does it mean?" Kate asked. "He's out there. He's saving people. So how do you even compete with that?"

"You can't," Rick answered. "No, no one can."

"And that is one of the things that attracted me to him the most. That … passion, that … drive. Why is it that the one thing that … attracts you to a person ends up being that thing that drives you crazy?"

Kate continued, "I just wish that … I wish that I had someone who would be there for me and I could be there for him and we could just dive in together."

Before Castle could respond, the zippered hatch to the isolation tent opened. "You're free to go."

Castle thought, "I would love to be that guy, Kate. I'm right here. There won't be any doubt. There won't be any maybe with me. Just let me."

* * *

_Oh please don't bring your lips close to my cheek_

_Don't smile or I'll be lost beyond recall_

_The kiss in your eyes, and the touch of your hand makes me weak_

_And my heart may grow dizzy and fall_

* * *

A/N Sometime late in Season 3

Rick Castle sat in his office thinking about the events of the past several weeks.

He had almost froze to death with Kate in his arms. She tried to tell him something before she fell unconscious from the chill.

But they didn't talk about it.

He held her hand as they stood in front of the dirty bomb just before it went off. How they looked into each other's eyes just before he grabbed the wires and yanked them.

But they didn't talk about it.

They exchanged a kiss to fool a guard. This allowed them to save Ryan and Esposito.

But they didn't talk about it.

They went to L.A. to solve Royce's murder. They shared a hotel room with separate bedrooms. It felt like they were getting close to crossing that line between friends and lovers. But they didn't. She wasn't a cheater. He wasn't going to take advantage of her since he knew the pain a man feels when he was cuckolded by Meredith.

But they didn't talk about it.

No, it was all swept under the proverbial rug.

He remembered the kiss.

The cherry scent of her hair.

How strong she is, how driven.

Her fierce intelligence.

Her strength of character.

Her smile when he brings her coffee.

How she makes him feel.

But they didn't talk about it.

* * *

Kate Beckett lay in her bed staring at the ceiling thinking about the last several weeks.

She was alone in bed, Josh being on shift that evening. She was a little lonely but not lonely for Josh. She was thinking, but her thoughts weren't about Josh. She was lonely for another man. Her thoughts were about a certain ruggedly handsome mystery author.

Even though she was with Josh, she felt pangs of jealousy when Natalie Rhodes kissed Castle in the elevator as they left the precinct. She was quietly elated that Castle didn't sleep with her.

But she wouldn't talk about it with Castle.

She almost told him what she felt in that frozen shipping container. Almost told him that she wanted him.

But she couldn't talk with him about it.

She felt something when they held hands just before the dirty bomb was supposed to go off.

But she wouldn't let herself feel that again.

Trying to save Ryan and Esposito, they fooled the guard by acting like lovers. They exchanged a passionate kiss. Kate thought that if she was being honest with herself, that kiss was more than a ruse, a con. It was real for her.

But she couldn't admit that. She needed to remain safe behind the walls she built around her heart.

So she wouldn't talk to Castle about it.

Castle was a perfect gentleman when they went to L.A. to solve Royce's murder. He let her know that he was interested in going further. But he didn't press or take advantage. And she was tempted. After he made a fairly blatant pass at her and she thought a moment about what she wanted, she went back out into the sitting area between the two bedrooms but he was gone.

She wouldn't talk to him about their missed opportunity.

She would sweep it all away. Forget it. Act like it never happened. Then it would all go away.

But she knew she was just fooling herself.

Josh was safe, a safe choice. But he wasn't what her heart wanted. Castle said "the heart wants what the heart wants", nothing else matters. And deep down, in the depths of her psyche, hidden behind those walls, she wanted Castle.

But she wouldn't talk about it.

* * *

_And if I fell under the spell of your call_

_I would be caught in the undertow_

_And so you see, I've got to say "No, no"_

_All or nothin' at all_

_All or nothin' at all_

* * *

A/N During 5x24 Watershed

It was late at night. He couldn't sleep.

Rick tried to write but nothing came. The words would not emerge from his mind.

The argument with Beckett the day before made him think. He had spent the day pondering their relationship.

Kate had brought it up earlier just after the incident with Eric Vaughn, "where are we going?" she asked. And he tried to deflect it.

Communication isn't his strong suit. He may be a not too shabby writer and use words for a living but fails at communication with the woman he loves.

"Well Rick," he thought. "You are at a decision point. It is time to choose whether you are going "all in" or not."

"There is no way she isn't going to get the job in D.C. She is extraordinary. Anyone with half a brain can see that. But she kept the interview from me."

Conflicting thoughts ran through his mind. Then he thought about his discussion with his mother.

"But darling, this is who she is," Rick remembered his mother saying to him. "Is it possible the reason you have held back is because somewhere deep down inside you don't think this is going to really work?"

He pondered for a moment running his hands through his hair.

He opened a drawer of his desk.

There was a small jewelry box under a few papers and the picture of him and a little Alexis taken it seemed like ages ago. He had hidden it to keep all the women in the house from finding it very easily.

He was saving it for the right time, but the right time never seemed to come.

Rick had bought it months ago. In fact, he bought it the same time that Tyson did his number on them in the fall. Tyson somehow knew that Rick was going to buy it.

He pulled the box out and opened it.

Inside was an engagement ring.

This ring could have proved his innocence early on in the proceedings in the fall but he didn't think he needed it. So he kept it a secret.

"Yeah," he thought. "Like I am going to tell Gates that the money wasn't for the earrings for that murdered girl but for an engagement ring. Then I know what would happen next. "Who is this for?" She would ask. And I would have to tell her. Yeah, that would go over well. Kate learning I want to marry her through an interrogation with Gates. Great way to propose, Rick. That would be almost as bad as how I learned about her remembering her shooting."

"Well, it's decision time. Can you imagine your life without her? The answer is a definite NO! Then you know what you need to do."

* * *

A/N: I hope you think this is close to canon and Rick and Kate are not too out of character. Thanks for reading.


	5. I Wish I Knew

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the songs.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This song is "I Wish I Knew". You can hear the song as played by The Coltrane Quartet on YouTube.

watch?v=25D7OalSHNs

Karrin Allyson has a vocal version from her album "Ballads - Remembering John Coltrane" (2001)

watch?v=HpqhMLV79N0

Jazz trumpeter Chet Baker also has a vocal version.

watch?v=D0fq1szgiN4

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

I have added references to the episodes that the vignettes come from. I finally realized that not everyone reading this fan fiction has OCD (obsessive Castle disorder) like I do. :)

* * *

_I wish I knew, someone like you could love me_

_I wish I knew, you place no one above me_

_Did I mistake this for a real romance?_

_I wish I knew but only you can answer_

* * *

A/N: During Episode 2x20 "The Late Shaft"

Kate Beckett sat at her desk at the precinct staring at her computer screen but not recognizing anything. Rick Castle had just left on a booty call from Ellie Monroe.

The cursor on the screen blinked but it did not register to Kate. She was lost in thought.

Kate was busy thinking about Castle and trying her best to suppress the jealousy she felt. There were parts of her heart, her feelings that were exposed from behind the fortress she had built.

She didn't want to hurt anymore, so she locked her feelings away but Rick Castle, that arrogant playboy had found a breech.

Over the year he had been following her around for "research", she had discovered that the arrogant, womanizing playboy was a façade. He was more complicated than that.

"Castle is a great father. Look at how normal his daughter, Alexis, is," she thought.

She paused and turned to the chair Castle normally sat in.

"He is a great son, too. Letting his mother live with him is one thing, but look at his relationship with her," she continued thinking. "He teases her gently, but with much love."

She looked at her watch. "5:30, ahh, the evening is only starting. Maybe some of this will pop for us to put Bobby Mann to rest properly."

She was not looking forward to going home to an empty apartment with an equally empty refrigerator.

"Kate, it's time to go back to work. Time to quit thinking about Castle."

* * *

A/N: During Episode 2x21 "Den of Thieves"

Rick Castle sat in his home office staring at his laptop. His laptop was taunting him with the screen saver flashing "You Should Be" and then "Writing" over and over.

The tumbler in his hand had the remnants of the fingers of scotch he had been drinking.

"I should have said something else to Demming," he thought. "But how could I?"

He looked down at the empty glass in his hand.

"Beckett deserves a better man than me. She couldn't care for me more than a partner. More than a friend."

He set the tumbler on his desk and then leaned back in his chair.

"Demming is like Sorenson, though," he mused. "A little less harsh or hard but very orthodox, very conventional personality. Linear thinker and reactor, not the wild playboy persona that I am."

His laptop continued to repeat the screen saver, still mocking him.

"That extraordinary detective, that woman, that … that …"

He said aloud, "What am I thinking? That she could go for me? Yeah, right."

He got up from his chair, grabbed the tumbler from his desk and walked into the kitchen for some water. His throat suddenly felt very dry and tight.

He felt it in his heart. There wasn't anything that he could offer Kate Beckett that would impress her. She wasn't interested in his money, which is actually a good thing, if he thought about it. But all he thought was that she saw this rich playboy, unserious, arrogant, almost totally without merit. Nothing else. Not a generous, caring man. A good son. A great father. No, all she saw was that annoying man-child that she was ordered to let follow her around.

He believed that there was no way for her to think of him as more than a partner all be it unorthodox partner.

"I wish … I wish …" he thought.

* * *

_If you don't care, why let me hope and pray so?_

_Don't lead me on, if I'm a fool just say so_

_Should I keep dreamin' on or just forget you?_

_What shall I do? I wish I knew_

* * *

A/N: After 2x24 A Deadly Game

Kate Beckett had been stoic the entire time. She didn't let her guard down even though her heart was breaking. Her partner, her friend, her (maybe?) more than friend just walked out of the precinct arm-in-arm with his ex-wife and publisher, Gina.

Her precinct family saw it all through the window in the door to the conference room. They saw her talking with Castle before this gorgeous blonde walks up and puts her arm around him.

They may not have heard everything, but they saw it all.

And Kate was at best disappointed. Disappointed at the lost opportunity. Disappointed at her cowardice. Disappointed that she wasn't the one going with Castle to the house in the Hamptons. She didn't want it to be awkward with Castle because she was with Demming. But it wasn't awkward for Castle, it is awkward for Kate.

"Hoist by my own petard," Kate thought. "Ooh, Castle would love the reference. Sadly, he will never hear it from me."

No his ex-wife is going to "stay on top" of him. "Yeah, she will stay on top of him in bed," she thought.

But she remained impassive the entire time at the precinct. She didn't sob, a tear did not fall, and there was no change in her voice. But she was heartbroken.

"They won't know how devastated I am at this," she thought. "I will remain safe behind my walls."

Kate told them what happened. That she wanted to give Rick a personal good-bye with the hope for a good summer. Then explained that the blonde was Rick's ex-wife and publisher, Gina Cowell. Gina was going to the Hamptons with Rick to make sure he finished the next Nikki Heat novel on time.

Beckett finished her beer in the conference room with the rest of the team. And then begged off of any further, saying she was tired after a long week and wanted to get home.

Lanie looked at Kate with knowing eyes. Knowing that there was more to the "wanting to go home after a tough week" talk Kate just gave.

No, Beckett was going to miss her favorite novelist. And partner. And friend.

Lanie knew.

And while the rest of the team did not seem to suspect, Kate knew that Lanie understood. And let Kate be, not subject her to an interrogation.

So Kate went home to her dark, lonely apartment. The apartment seemed just a little less bright, a little less inviting, a little less substantial, than it did this morning.

* * *

_Did I mistake this for a real romance?_

_I wish I knew but only you can answer_

_If you don't care, why let me hope and pray so?_

_Don't lead me on, if I'm a fool, just say so_

_Should I keep dreamin' on or just forget you?_

_What can I do? I wish I knew_

* * *

A/N: After 3x15 The Final Nail

Rick Castle sat across from Kate Beckett at the bistro table. The bar was relatively quiet before a Valentine's Day rush of couples. Between them on the small table were their drinks and a basket of snacks. Kate had a glass of wine while Rick had a tumbler of scotch.

Someone not knowing Rick and Kate would believe that they were a couple celebrating their love.

And Rick wished they were but they weren't.

Kate had Josh and she was meeting him later. But now, Kate was comforting Rick.

Rick's first champion, Damian Westlake had murdered his father.

Damian Westlake had encouraged Rick to become a writer. He had given Rick his first writing exposure.

"I can't tell you how in awe I was of Damian," Rick said to Kate. "He read my first feeble attempts at fiction and saw something in me even I didn't see."

Beckett gave Castle an encouraging look to continue.

Rick looked down at his hands on the table.

"Damian kept me going at the beginning. He helped me through the writing process. He edited my work. He was willing to discuss my ideas for stories and critiqued the way the characters reacted to situations. He seemed to understand the characters better than I did at that time. He knew what motivated people. He knew that an aloof character would not be one to help a stranger. He helped me make my characters, my writing, more rounded, fuller, not flat and boring."

"I'm glad he helped you, Castle. I can see it in Nikki Heat. She seems to be a full character, not one dimensional," Beckett reassuringly responded.

Castle looked up at Beckett and smiled.

"I'm glad you like her. I have tried to capture a sliver of you in Nikki. I honestly don't think I can ever do you justice though," Rick said.

Kate smiled as if to say "Thank you for the complement."

Then Kate looked at her watch and noticed the time.

"Castle, I wish we could talk more but I'm meeting Josh soon and I need to get ready."

"I understand. Thanks for the drink."

"One thing before I go, Rick. People aren't black and white, they're shades of grey. But why am I telling a writer that? 'The evil that men do lives after them/The good is oft interred with their bones.'"

"Quoting the Bard? Even more to the Beckett onion," Rick responded smiling.

"The point I am trying to make is that Damian may be a murderer but he did a good thing by encouraging you to be a writer. So be thankful that he helped you and forget the bad he has done."

"Thanks, I'll try to remember that," Rick answered.

Kate stood from the table. "Share a cab?" Kate asked.

As much as Rick wanted to, he knew that if he dropped her off at her apartment he would feel even worse than he does now.

"I'd love to, but I need to clear my mind, alone, if you don't mind. Raincheck?" Rick answered.

"Ok … well, paperwork tomorrow, but I'll call you if a body drops."

Rick nodded.

Kate turned and walked out the door to the bar. Rick watched her as she left. Rick could see her hailing a cab, then leaving.

He pondered where he was emotionally. Seeing Beckett leave to be with another man made it hit home to him. Before, he knew he had feelings for Beckett but he wasn't sure what it was. Now, he knew. He was sure.

Rick was in love with Kate.

And his dream woman, the love of his life, was going off to meet another man.

* * *

_What can I do? I wish I knew_

_What will I do? I must have you_

_Say you love me too_


	6. What's New

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the songs.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This song is "What's New". You can hear the song as played by The Coltrane Quartet on YouTube.

watch?v=qMPdRgYLDDw

Linda Ronstadt with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra has a vocal version from her album "What's New" (1984)

watch?v=db5DfAWQIPM

Unlike most of the Coltrane songs that have parts that could be either from Rick's or Kate's perspective, this song is solely Kate's song.

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

I have added references to the episodes that the vignettes come from. I finally realized that not everyone reading this fan fiction has OCD (obsessive Castle disorder) like I do. :)

* * *

_What's new_

_How is the world treating you_

_You haven't changed a bit_

_Handsome as ever I must admit_

* * *

A/N: 3x01 A Deadly Affair

Detective Kate Beckett was in a quandary. She had just arrested Richard Castle on suspicion of murder.

She was angry at him because he didn't contact anyone from the 12th precinct during the entire summer, especially her. Three long months without a word. Oh, she followed him on his Richard Castle web site, and his Twitter feed, so she knew in general what he was up to. But there was no direct contact. No call, no text, no email, nothing. It was like he had dismissed her as nothing to him.

But she also had a strong attraction to him. She dumped her boyfriend, Detective Tom Demming, to go with him to his house in the Hamptons for a summer vacation. She acted like a silly school girl there at the end of the last case they worked together. She couldn't get the right words out. She was in shock when Rick's ex-wife and publisher showed up at the precinct. They were going away to the Hamptons for the summer.

And all she could say was "See you in the fall?"

Now he shows up at a murder scene with a gun in his hand. Looking as handsome as ever with his hair in that "Rick Castle" style that he always had.

So Detective Beckett was torn. Between facing down a potential murder suspect and facing down a man that could possibly hold her heart.

Rick Castle found himself in the interrogation room at the 12th precinct after being arrested by Detective Kate Beckett. He looked around the room noticing the differences. Things seemed strange being on the wrong side of the table in the middle of the room. Facing the one-way mirror, he could almost see the observation room behind where all the recording equipment was.

As Detective Beckett entered the room, Rick said, "Something's different. Did you remodel?"

Beckett closed the door harshly and glared at Castle. Her blank expression to intimidate Castle seemed to be fruitless. He had seen it too many times before.

She dropped her notebook on the table between them and sat down across from Castle. Folding her hands together, she said in an extremely proper, formal tone, "You've been informed of your rights, Mr. Castle?"

"Really? You're not going to ask me how my summer was?" responded Rick.

"You are aware that you are under arrest for murder?" Kate continued with the formal tone.

"And I thought you were being rough with the cuffs just for fun," Rick flippantly replied.

Kate looked up from her paperwork and she saw Rick's smiling face, like he was glad to see her.

"You look good," Castle continued more seriously but continued to smile at her.

"You look good, too," Kate replied almost smiling.

"Yeah?"

"For murder." Kate said returning to her serious tone.

"Why are you so mad at me?"

"Maybe because you were found standing over a dead body with a gun in your hand." Beckett answered.

"Yeah, but I told you she was dead when I got there." Castle returned.

"Why didn't you call?" Kate asked thinking about the whole summer of silence from Castle.

"I was going to call you … and then you showed up before I could." Rick answered hoping she understood.

"Really?" Kate said in an unbelieving air.

At the first crime scene, there was a bookstore nearby with the display of the new Nikki Heat book "Naked Heat" and a life-size cardboard cutout of Richard Castle. The sign in the window said he was having a book signing at that very store in a few days. So Beckett knew that he had completed the book and was back in the city. And to top it all, he hadn't called anyone to let them know or invite them to the book launch party.

"Well then why did we find you in our victim's apartment?"

"Well, because she called me." Rick answered.

"Oh, so you and Miss Santori were in a 'relationship'?" Kate said as if to put up air quotes.

"Well, I wouldn't say I was in a relationship with her. I bought a few sculptures from her."

"Were you sleeping with her?" interrupted Becket.

"How is that relevant?"

"Motive," said Beckett as she continued to try to intimidate Castle.

"Ah … no, I wasn't sleeping with her," Rick said as he moved closer to Beckett.

"Are you sure? Beautiful woman …"

"I'm in a relationship," Castle interrupted.

"With whom?" interrogated Beckett.

"Is that a new lipstick?" Castle parried.

"Castle."

"You know with whom." Castle replied with a gentle look in his eyes.

"How should I know? I haven't seen you in months. You could've been in dozens of relationships with women since then."

"You sound jealous."

"Jealous? Of you dating your second ex-wife and publisher. Tell me, does she make you do everything on a deadline?"

"So how about you? Are you still with that cop boyfriend of yours? What was his name again, Demming?

Kate was silent. She looked away from Castle. Rick knew he hit a nerve. For a second he felt sorry, but then he was also angry at the way Beckett was treating him.

"You broke up?" asked Castle.

Kate paused, looking down at the sheet of paper in her notebook. "Yeah, I broke up with him," Kate thought. "I broke up with him to go with you to the Hamptons and your ex-wife shows up."

"This victim, called you? What was it about?" Beckett countered.

"She said she was in trouble and she couldn't go to the police," Rick answered.

"So why did she call you?"

"Because Maya knew I had a relationship with you … ooh (there's that word again, he thought) … with the NYPD. She thought I could help."

"Help how?" Beckett continued.

"Well, she didn't say. She just told me to come over. When I got there the door was open and the place was trashed. She was dead on the bed and there was a gun on the floor."

"So you being the expert veteran of dozens of crime scenes decided to pick up the murder weapon to what? Ensure that we had your prints?"

"Maybe you missed the part where I said she was shot dead? When I heard the noises from the next room I thought whoever killed her was coming back. So I picked up the gun to defend myself. It seemed like a very good idea at the time. That was when you, Esposito and Annie Oakley come bursting through the door."

"Annie Oakley?" Captain Montgomery asked in the observation room.

"I may have shot at Castle," Ryan sheepishly replied.

* * *

_What's new_

_How did that romance come through_

_We haven't met since then_

_Gee but it's nice to see you again_

* * *

A/N 3x01 A Deadly Affair

After arresting Castle and then working out that he wasn't the murderer, Beckett angrily sent him home because she still hurt from him not calling the entire summer.

"He's still with Gina," Kate thought. "I guess the summer went well between them. And his new novel is out, so she must have "kept on top of him" like she said she would. Yeah, right, on top of him."

The whole summer Kate missed Castle's outlandish theories on the cases they had. Ryan missed his big brother that Castle seemed to represent. And Espo, Espo missed the Ferrari to impress his dates.

But Kate missed Castle the most. She could almost admit to herself that he was more than a partner but she didn't want to go there. She felt that even though he was a fantastic father and wonderful son, he would break her heart if she fell in love with him. And she couldn't do that, that wasn't safe. She was safe behind her fortress, her walls. Never letting anyone in so they couldn't hurt her. Couldn't make her feel that pain, that anguish that she felt all those years ago. Poor little 19 year old Kate Beckett hiding away.

The team had figured out that the three murder victims were connected but they needed more.

Kate rolled her eyes at Castle. "Don't think this means you won the bet. All we know is that they are connected. We don't know how."

Rick looked away, smirking, tapping the papers on the conference table to align them. "I missed you, too."

Kate also looked away smirking.

Kate contemplated, "You're right Castle. I missed you. But I will never tell you that. First because your head wouldn't get through the doorway after that. And second, because if I admitted it out loud, then I would have to admit that my feelings for you are … are what?"

* * *

_What's new_

_Probably I'm boring you_

_But seeing you is grand_

_And you were sweet to offer your hand_

_I understand_

* * *

A/N: 4x01 Rise

Detective Kate Beckett slowly regained consciousness from her drug induced sleep. The first thing she felt was the room was spinning. She hadn't felt this way since a drunken bender she had as a kid, a Rebel Becks phase exploit.

As the room slowly stopped spinning she felt a presence beside her. She couldn't look over because if she did it felt like the room would resume its bouncing, rotating, maddening journey.

Still in her drug produced haze, Beckett's started hearing the sounds of machines that in her mind she still couldn't quite place. She knew she wasn't at her apartment, the ceiling didn't look familiar. It looked industrial, with tiles in a suspended ceiling. Like those at the precinct.

She wondered if she had she fainted. Then she felt something, like a massive weight was on her chest and it hurt.

"No," she thought. "I'm in a bed. But it isn't my bed."

"Katie," said her father. "Katie, can you look at me?"

Jim Beckett looked at his daughter lying on the hospital bed, hoping, praying that she would wake up. He saw her eyes start to flicker and hoped she was waking.

"Katie-bug, it's me, your father."

He reached over and held her hand. It felt so cold, clammy to him. But at least her hand moved a little in his.

She recognized her father's voice and his hand on hers. She moved her fingers to respond to his touch.

"Dad," she said in a soft voice. "The room is spinning."

"Katie, that is probably due to the drugs in your system. They have been slowly lowering the dosage so you could wake. Are you in pain?" Jim asked.

"Yes."

Jim Beckett knew that if his daughter acknowledged pain, it must be significant. She was one tough female. She has always been tough. Even as a kid, she refused to be scared of anything.

"I'm going to call the nurse. I'll be right back."

He left Kate to find her charge nurse.

Kate's mind slowly cleared and remembered the reason she was there in the hospital.

She was speaking at Captain Montgomery's funeral. She was telling the gathering of what the captain had told her. What he meant to her.

She said, "And if you're very lucky, you find someone to stand with you."

And she had looked at Castle, knowing he stood with her.

She saw the feeling in his eyes.

She continued speaking and she heard Castle yell at her.

She heard the noise.

She was shot.

Castle tried to save her.

He tackled her and brought her to the ground.

She could hear his words, "Stay with me, Kate."

And the most important words he had ever said to her.

"Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

* * *

_Adieu_

_Pardon my asking what's new_

_Of course you couldn't know_

_I haven't changed_

_I still love you so_

* * *

A/N: During 4x01 Rise

"Hey, got a fresh one. 18th and Lex," said Detective Ryan.

"I think I'll sit this one out," Beckett responded.

As Ryan and Esposito walked out to check out the body, Beckett unloaded her things and placed them on her desk. She sat down and looked around the bull pen.

She thought about Captain Montgomery. How he sacrificed himself to keep her alive only for her to be shot a few days later.

She thought about what Ryan and Esposito had told her. How Castle had spent most of his summer helping them with the case. How his idea led to a lead but only another dead end.

Castle worked on it even though he had not contact with her.

She knew she should have called. Just like he should have called the summer before.

Beckett needed to talk to Castle. Needed to explain her absence. Try to get him to understand why she fell off the face of the earth. Why she couldn't call.

Now she had this ominous feeling.

"How will it look to him?" she thought. "After all this time, I show up. He'll think the only reason I'm there is because of my mom's case. How he has the file, and now I come to see him."

"How would it look to you, if the situation was reversed? Well, it sorta was that way last summer, when he was here because of that counterfeiting case. And I let him come back."

Perhaps he would forgive her like she forgave him.

She continued to follow him on his book signing tour for the latest Nikki Heat novel, "Heat Rises."

Kate saw that he was in town today, signing at a bookstore not far from the precinct.

She left the precinct to go to the bookstore. As she walked, she thought of what she could say to him. How she would make him understand. What were the perfect words to express what she felt, what she grasped?

There were signs outside the bookstore saying:

Meet the Author Today!

12 to 2

Best-Selling Author of

Derrick Storm Series

Richard Castle

Signing his new Nikki Heat book,

"Heat Rises"

The line was long, at least 50 people. Mostly women, of course.

"I wonder how many chests he has signed today," Beckett thought.

Kate stood at the end of the line watching the fans getting their books signed. She thought about what she was going to say to him.

Rick seemed to only glance at the person in front of him. He would ask them what name they wanted on the book. He would ask each one a few questions and then write something down on the title page. Sometimes, the person asked him to sign the cover and he would accede to their request. Most every time he seemed to pause at the picture on the cover, giving a smiling grimace as if he was seeing something painful.

Kate slowly made her way to the front of the line.

Finally, she was at the front.

"Who should I make this out to?" Castle said without looking up.

"Kate. You can make it out to Kate."

* * *

_Adieu_

_Pardon my asking what's new_

_Of course you couldn't know_

_I haven't changed_

_I still love you so _

* * *

A/N: At the end of 4x01 Rise

"I bet most cops never come back after their psych eval." Kate said to Dr. Burke.

"Everyone's different. What's on your mind," Dr. Burke kindly responded.

"I don't even know where to start."

"Why don't we start with the shooting?" Burke asked. "Is any of it coming back to you?"

Kate pondered her answer, knowing that she needed to be truthful to Burke but also, and more importantly, truthful to herself.

"I lied … before."

"What do you remember?" Burke continued.

Kate sighed.

"I remember everything."

"Tell me what happened."

Kate hesitated and then spoke. "I was speaking at Captain Montgomery's funeral. I … I was recounting things he said to me just before he was killed. How, you make your stand and how if you're lucky, you have someone willing to stand with you."

"Do you have someone willing?"

"Yes."

"Whom?"

"My two teammates, Detectives Kevin Ryan and Javier Esposito. And my partner."

"Your partner?"

"Yes, my … my civilian consultant partner, Rick Castle."

"Rick Castle?"

"The author … the author who wrote books based on me."

"I see. More than one?"

"His third just came out."

"What else do you remember?"

"I looked at him when I said "someone willing to stand with you". I looked at him meaning … meaning I thought he would be willing … willing to stand with me."

"What happened next?"

"I continued my eulogy and then I heard him yell at me. He tackled me as I was shot. The sniper barely missed him. I was on the ground with this massive pain in my chest. I don't know what he was thinking. He could have gotten killed. His mother and daughter were there at the funeral. I can't imagine what they felt thinking that Rick had been killed. It was so … so reckless."

"Why do you think it was reckless?"

"Because, he has so much to live for. His family, his mother, his daughter. Both of them live with him. Both of them depend on him. He would have left them bereft."

"And you being killed wouldn't leave people grieving?"

"I … I suppose. But he is this famous author and I am just a cop."

"You don't think that you are as important to people as he is?"

"No." said Kate.

Dr. Burke cocked an eyebrow at Kate.

"Well I … I suppose that since my dad was also at the funeral, he would have felt it. But he hasn't said much about the shooting to me."

"Losing a daughter to an assassin wouldn't be devastating?"

"When you put it that way, I guess I am important to someone, too."

"Good," Dr. Burke responded. "You do have worth, Kate."

Dr. Burke paused and then said, "Is there anything else about the shooting you want to tell me?"

"There is more."

Kate paused.

"I was lying on the ground with Rick on top of me. He looked at me with sadness mixed with devastation. And then he said to me "Stay with me Kate. Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." Then I passed out. When I awoke, I was in the hospital."

"Do you have any thoughts on why he did what he did?"

"Yes. I … I think he loves me."

"Is there a problem with this? You don't feel the same?"

"I … I am this broken person. How can he love me the way I am now?"

"Why do you think you are broken?"

"Because I am a mess. I am in a bad place right now. I look in the mirror and all I see is this wounded, damaged, unlovable person."

"And you want to be lovable?"

"I want to be able to be worthy of Castle's love and be able to love him back."


	7. It's Easy to Remember

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the songs.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This song is "It's Easy To Remember". You can hear the song as played by The Coltrane Quartet on YouTube.

watch?v=qMPdRgYLDDw

There is a vocal version by Johnny Hartman and Errol Garner on YouTube also

watch?v=JkDBV4GGV50

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

I have added references to the episodes that the vignettes come from.

* * *

_Your sweet expression, the smile you gave me, the way you looked when we met_

_It's easy to remember, but so hard to forget_

* * *

A/N: 1x01 Flowers for Your Grave

Bestselling author Richard Castle pondered for a moment. He had just released his final Derrick Storm novel, having killed off the main character. And what drops in his lap but this hot NYPD detective.

He recalled what the first thing she said to him.

"_Mr. Castle, Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD. We need to ask you a few questions about a murder that happened earlier tonight." _

He pondered her for a moment.

"She has an enigmatic smile, almost like the Mona Lisa," he thought.

"And those eyes! Those gorgeous eyes!"

"Lo … Lust at first sight!"

The more he thought about this NYPD detective, the more intrigued he became.

"She solves mysteries for a living and ironically, she is a living mystery," he contemplated. "A very attractive woman as a police detective, there is a story there. I bet there is a great story there."

He sat down at his desk in his Manhattan loft. He opened his laptop and started to type. He started to list the things he learned in his brief observation of Detective Beckett.

"What can I recollect about our meeting?" Rick thought.

She wears a man's watch. Ex-boyfriend perhaps? Reminder of something. Or very practical for noting time in low light like in a dim alley. ("Aren't all alleys dim?" he thought.)

No wedding band. Not much jewelry to speak of. No earrings. Collared shirt/blouse hid any large necklace. Necklace would be something for a criminal to grab for, probably not a good idea to wear.

Short, practical hairstyle, ideal for quick arrivals at crime scenes.

Rather tall for a woman. 5 foot 9 or 10.

Killer heels, they must be 4 inch. In them she is over 6 feet tall. Intimidation. She must wear them so she can tower over suspects and others.

Svelte, probably works out a lot. Long sleeves prevented seeing how muscular her arms are.

Smart, or reasonably intelligent since she is a police detective and rather young one at that.

Graceful, almost cat like in movement. Previous job as a model?

No borough accent, but probably grew up in area, therefore Manhattan.

"Hmm," he thought. "If that is the case. She wouldn't have to work if her parents were very wealthy. At least as a NYPD detective."

Only child of professional parents.

Attractive woman, unlikely profession. Why?

"Something to ponder," he mused. "Why would a very attractive woman work as a police detective? She probably would have plenty of options for other vocations."

"Oh, and one last thing," he thought. "She's a Castle groupie."

* * *

_I hear you whisper, I'll always love you, I know it's over and yet_

_It's easy to remember, but so hard to forget_

* * *

A/N: 4x01 Rise

Kate Beckett looked out from the window in her father's cabin. She saw a pastoral scene in front of her. The meadow just to the right was starting to bloom with wildflowers. Little dots of reds and yellows were seen in the field of green grass.

The sun had risen a couple of hours ago. Puffy white clouds populated the sky with fantastic creatures and faces. Kate, still in her practical sleepwear, sipped her tea.

She was thankful to be alive after being shot at her captain and mentor's funeral. She continued to feel the pain from the bullet and the surgery. Bandages enveloped her chest and side so much that she felt almost like the Michelin man.

Over the past couple of weeks, she became proficient at putting the bandages on.

Beside her and throughout the cabin were books to pass the time while she healed. Her appointments were set so that she could spend two weeks in the cabin, alone.

That was the way she wanted it, to be alone. Licking her wounds was what she wanted to do.

Alone.

No one with her to see her in this state, weak, frail, pathetic not the tough as nails, kick ass, NYPD detective.

Specially and specifically, Castle. He couldn't see her in this state. Not an inspiration for Nikki Heat but a puny being.

"How could he love me like this?" Kate thought.

She remembered the last time she saw him.

She lied to him.

As she lay in her hospital bed, she told him she didn't remember her shooting. That she didn't remember him saying to her, "Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

She lied to the man she loves.

She lied because she couldn't face all that happened that day. And she wondered if he said that because he felt he had to.

"Does he still feel that way?" she thought. "I wonder what he is doing. I wonder if he thinks of me at all."

She convinced herself that he wasn't thinking about her. He is a world famous author. Why would he worry about a simple cop? Why would he think at all about Kate Beckett? Would he even remember what he said to her in the cemetery?

Castle rarely left her thoughts. He kept her going. He kept her focused on healing. He kept her wanting to live, to be more, to be worthy of him.

But she couldn't call him now. She told him she would call, but now after the days had passed, she felt she couldn't call him.

Castle would be upset. And he would be justified because she didn't communicate with him.

Communicate how she felt.

Communicate her pain.

Communicate her love for him, too.

* * *

_So I must dream to have your hands caress me, fingers press me tight_

_I'd rather dream than have that lonely feeling stealing through the night_

* * *

Kate Beckett heard a knock at her apartment door. She had been relaxing on her couch with a glass of Chardonnay.

"Beckett, are you in there? Beckett!"

She thought she recognized the voice muffled by the shut door. Becket set her wine glass down on the coffee table in front of the couch.

"Castle? Castle, is that you?" Kate responded.

"Beckett! Beckett, open the door." Castle answered. "Please open the door."

As she approached the door, Beckett picked up her spare Glock.

Kate put her finger over the door spy hole in case there was someone other than Castle outside her door.

No shots rang out, so Beckett felt it was safe to look through to viewer to see who was on the other side.

"Castle! Step away from the view finder. You can't see in."

"Au contraire, detective. You're wearing a white blouse and black slacks."

"Castle, you saw me this morning. That's what I was wearing today at work. I've only been home an hour. And I haven't changed."

"Okay, but please open the door," Rick begged.

With that, Beckett opened the door to a haggard Castle.

"You look like hell, Castle. What have you been doing?" Beckett asked as she put down her gun on the table beside the door.

"I have been walking the around the city all afternoon, thinking," Rick replied.

"Thinking about what?"

"Thinking about this …" Castle said as he gently put his hands on either side of Kate's head. He slowly, softly pressed his lips to hers. Kate held her breath as the kiss deepened. As the shock of him kissing her wore off, Beckett raised her arms and held his head in her hands, her fingers playing with the short hairs on the back of his neck.

They briefly stopped kissing to come up for air. Their foreheads resting on their partner's. One of Castle's arms wrapped around Beckett while his other hand caressed her face and neck.

"You're so beautiful, Kate," said Rick. "You mean so much to me."

They kissed again, the want for each other conducted through their lips like electricity. Their lips opening, their tongues touching, their arms enveloping each other.

She almost felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest, the feelings for her partner so intense.

His hands on her face, her neck, her hair, her arms, gently stroking her. It felt wonderful.

Castle and Beckett slowly backed toward her couch, never breaking their embrace.

Castle kissed Beckett's neck and exposed shoulder then returned to her lips. His tongue asked for and she granted him entrance. The intensity of their passion almost threatened to ignite everything in Beckett's apartment.

As they moved clumsily to the couch they bumped the coffee table, sending the wine glass crashing to the floor.

Kate woke up. She had been sleeping on the couch. Her empty wine glass had rolled off of her and fell on the floor. Shards of glass and the remains of the glass stem were on the floor beside her.

"It was only a dream," Beckett thought. "Only a dream."

A/N: Sometime in Season 4

* * *

_Each little moment is clear before me, and though it brings me regret_

_It's easy to remember but so hard to forget_

* * *

Rick Castle scanned the crowd. There were many people here, some he recognized, some he didn't. He saw Jim Beckett talking to a woman that could have been Kate's aunt.

All of the tables had festive flower arrangements as centerpieces. All the people were animated but happily talking with their neighbors at their respective tables or scattered around the ballroom.

"She's a beautiful bride, isn't she Mr. Castle?"

Rick turned and saw that it was Captain Gates talking to him with an actual smile. He looked around, then he saw her, Kate, talking with an older gentleman that he didn't recognize. She was touching him on his arm in a familiar way, like she knew him for a long time.

Not turning back to Captain Gates, he responded, "I have never seen her happier or more lovely."

There was the saying that the bride glows at her wedding, but in this case it seemed literally true. She had an aura around her that radiated love and happiness.

While he watched, Kate hugged the man and then said something to him. Both of them nodded to each other and then they parted. Kate walked away to greet another of her many wedding guests.

Watching her made him love her even more, she moved with a grace that hidden so often at the precinct, but now revealed in all its glory. She looked angelic with the white lace bodice and the full ruffled skirt. Her veil pulled back from her face, her hair in a French braid.

"Angel wings would almost be appropriate with her except for the Victoria Secret connotations," Rick chuckled to himself.

"My more whimsical side would say that Botticelli would be an appropriate painter to capture her beauty."

Rick glanced over the room again. There were multiple tables of 8 but only one of two at the center. The center two chairs were high backed white wicker adorned with flowers. On the center of that table lay the bride's bouquet that would be tossed to the single ladies in the festive throng.

Castle wondered if Kate had conspired with Lanie to throw the bouquet to her.

"Ricky!"

Rick turned and said, "Big cheese, how are you doing man?"

They shook each other's hand with gusto, patting the other's shoulder with their free hand.

"Good to see you, Ricky," the mayor responded. "This is a great party."

"Yes, it is Bob, yes it is," Rick responded.

The mayor asked, "Hey, Rick, is this marriage going to change you following Detective Beckett? Are there going to be any more Nikki Heat books?"

"Oh, I don't know. Perhaps Heat and Rook will get married. I really hadn't thought about it," Castle responded truthfully.

"Married?" questioned the mayor. The mayor looked at Rick almost as if he had two heads.

"Sure, why not, it is happening in real life, why not in the book?"

"Ok, Ricky … yeah … yeah, it sounds good … yeah, good to me. Well, yeah … are we still on for another poker night soon?"

Rick answered, "Soon. Yeah, real soon."

They shook each other's hand again, less vigorously on the mayor's part, and then the mayor went on to work the crowd.

Rick saw the wedding cake on a table to the side of the ballroom. Walking over to the cake, he noted the two glass love birds suspended in a glass, heart-shaped cage. Beside the wedding cake was a groom's cake, topped by a set of police handcuffs.

Rick turned to find Ryan and Esposito beside him.

"Esposito, was this your idea?" Rick asked, smiling.

"Well, really Ryan thought of it, I put them on the cake. Don't tell Beckett, but those are her spare set from her desk," Esposito sniggered.

All three of them chuckled about the joke.

"Beckett is going to kill you both when she gets back from the honeymoon," Rick said.

"Yeah. Yeah, she will," Ryan responded. "But maybe she'll forget because of all the sex she will be having on the honeymoon."

Esposito bumped Ryan while he was speaking.

Rick smirked, "Yeah, I figure she will."

As the three seemingly adult nine-year-olds continued their snorting, another approached them.

"Having fun Rick, Javi and Kevin?" Jim Beckett asked.

"Oh, yes sir," Rick answered, with Javi and Kevin sputtering behind him.

"Rick, can I have a word?"

"Sure, Jim, what can I do for you," Castle responded.

The two men wandered off into a corner of the room.

Jim turned to Rick and said, "I'm glad you came into Kate's life. I can't thank you enough for all that you have done for my daughter. Katie has told me some of it. I suspect there is more that she hasn't told me."

Rick smiled.

"You have brought her back to the living from the despondency of her mother's murder," Jim said.

"It was my pleasure, sir," Castle answered with a sincere smile. "She is extraordinary."

"I am forever in your debt, Rick," Jim continued with watery eyes. "Thank you."

As Castle nodded at Jim Beckett, "You're welcome."

The shook hands with their left hands gripping the other's shoulder earnestly, and then parted.

Rick looked around and noticed that Ryan and Esposito had left him alone beside the cakes.

The DJ had been playing some soft mood music throughout the party but now stopped with the announcement of the first dance.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the bride and groom will now have their first dance as a married couple."

Rick looked around for Kate and couldn't find her nearby.

The DJ continued, "May I present to you, Dr. and Mrs. Joshua Davidson."

There he saw Kate, her hand in her new husband's, gracefully walking to the center of the dance floor with Josh behind her.

Kate and Josh embraced and started to sway with the music. They lovingly looked into each other's eyes as they moved around the dance floor. They whispered sweetly to each other of their love as they held each other.

"Kate married Josh? No this can't be," Rick thought. "No. She is supposed to marry me. Kate is supposed to be my wife."

"Noooooo! Noooooo!" Rick yelled.

The entire ballroom turned to him, staring at him as if he had gone mad.

"NOOOOOO! NOOOOOO!" Rick continued yelling.

Ryan and Esposito ran to him. Grabbed him to take him out of the ballroom. He tried to resist them but Javi, with his training and years on Rick, dragged him out.

"NOOOOOO! NOOOOOO!" Rick screamed.

"Dad! Dad! DAD! Wake up!" Alexis yelled, shaking her father. "DAD! DAD!"

Rick opened his eyes. He found himself on his chair in his office. His laptop in front of him on the desk.

"Dad, you were screaming. What happened? Was that some kind of extreme nightmare?"

Rick blinked several times trying to wake up. He looked around and then focused on his daughter's face. Rick pulled her in for a tight hug.

"I'm … I'm okay pumpkin. Yeah … yeah it was a nightmare. But it is gone now. I'll be alright. Yeah … yeah. I'm sorry I woke you."

"You sure?" Alexis asked.

"Yeah, go to bed pumpkin. I'll just wash my face and climb into bed. And hope I don't have any more nightmares like that one." Rick sheepishly smiled at her.

Alexis walked up the stairs to her bedroom, Castle waving to her to go to bed. He turned out the lights in the loft and went through his office to his empty bedroom.

"It's been almost three months and no word from Kate. And I get a nightmare about her."

He ran his hand through his hair.

"I hope she is doing ok. I hope she is getting everything she needs. But I hope she doesn't marry Dr. Motorcycle Boy. She can't, can she?"

A/N: 4x01 Rise.

* * *

Thoughts?


	8. Nancy (With The Laughing Face)

As Beckett said she "believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane", this is from his album "Ballads". While there is not a vocalist on this album, there are lyrics to the songs.

These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This is the last song on the album "Ballads" by the John Coltrane Quartet. There is a version on YouTube.

watch?v=BVGGnoJcod8

There is a vocal version by Frank Sinatra on You Tube.

watch?v=HdMo1eBx6mQ

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

I have added references to the episodes that the vignettes come from.

A/N: I can here Rick singing this about Kate so I put '[Kate]' in the lyrics. This is the last of the songs from the Coltrane album "Ballads".

* * *

_If I don't see her each day, I miss her_

_Gee what a thrill, each time I kiss her_

_Believe me, I've got a case_

_On Nancy [Kate] with the laughing face_

* * *

A/N: 6x01 Valkyrie

It had been a long day for Agent Kate Beckett. Her investigation of the break in at Cybertech, a secure contractor facility had not progressed as far as she wanted. This weekend, Beckett had planned to go to New York to see her fiancé, Richard Castle, but duty called.

So here Beckett found herself, alone in her dark DC apartment, most of her belongings still in the moving boxes after being here almost 2 months. The place was felt cold because of the lack of homey touches. There were few if any pictures on the walls. There was little on the tables in the living area to indicate anyone but a transient lived there.

And there were no pictures of her fiancé, none.

Nothing to remind her of that great day other than the ring she kept on the necklace around her neck.

It had been 3 months since she said "yes."

Three months apart having a day together here, a weekend together there. But nothing more than that. Not a daily greeting. No daily kisses "good morning" or "good night." No waking up beside each other daily. No touching, caressing each other. No sex.

Beckett was in training and her probationary time, so she couldn't get away for much of anything. No trips to the Hamptons. Just quick Acela trips up to the city for a weekend tryst on a couple of occasions.

Lately, work had been nonstop.

Meanwhile, Castle had just got home to the loft after a two week long, west coast book tour. This left them not seeing each other in six weeks.

Beckett had to call him to tell him that she wasn't coming up for the weekend because of the break in.

That is why Agent Becket found herself in the quiet, almost too quiet apartment.

She lay down her current case report on the small kitchen table. Taking off her jacket, she walked through the apartment to the bathroom and started to unbutton her shirt. Glancing in the mirror she saw a tired, saddened person looking back at her.

As Beckett unbuttoned her shirt, she could see the two rings on the necklace around her neck.

One was her mother's ring, being a look to the past, hoping that she could bring her mother's murderer to justice.

The other ring was her future. The ring that Castle had given her on the swings, their swings.

She stopped to think about the swings. Such a simple playground staple, yet the swings that had so much meaning to her.

The swings were where Kate asked Castle for forgiveness for not calling for three months. Beckett told him she needed time to heal before she was ready for a relationship and essentially asking him to wait.

The swings were where Kate sat in the rain, after lying to him about hearing his confession of love when she was shot, and after rejecting him earlier to find her mother's killer, finally understanding what was most important after almost dying, hoping that he had forgiven her and would accept her and take her back.

The swings were where Kate thought he was breaking up with her because she had kept her secret DC interview from him, only to find that he was proposing marriage.

Each time, at the swings, she had asked, hoped, thought and Castle rose to the challenge.

He forgave and waited.

He forgave and accepted.

He forgave and proposed.

While deep in thought there in the bathroom, Beckett heard something in the apartment. In the mirror she saw a shadow cross in the bedroom behind her. She quickly turned grabbing her holstered gun and pointed it at the unknown intruder.

"Oooh, can you at least finish taking that off before you shoot me?" Castle asked with his hands raised.

"Castle?! Castle? Uh, what are you doing here?" Kate asked.

"I know I promised to respect your job, but I couldn't go another week without seeing you." Rick responded as he approached her.

"You know you sh … you shouldn't have come here," Kate said as she put down her gun.

"So you want me to leave?" Rick asked. He was close enough to grab her and kiss her senseless.

"Oh, immediately," Kate said as she grabbed him and kissed him.

* * *

_She takes the winter and makes it summer_

_Summer could take some lessons from her_

_Picture a tomboy in lace_

_That's Nancy [Kate] with the laughing face_

* * *

A/N 5x01 After the Storm

Detective Beckett took her suspension in stride. She told Castle as she left the precinct to complete her suspension she would think of something to do.

And she had some very satisfying ideas.

Spending almost every waking moment with Castle. And many sleeping and not so sleeping moments, too.

Castle felt Beckett's suspension was a blessing in disguise. While she was often in his bed, and usually not wearing a stitch, outside of his bed she also was wearing different outfits. She wasn't wearing those Detective Beckett pants and blazers. But she was still wearing those killer heels.

Castle felt that before now he could count on one hand the number of times he saw her in a skirt or dress, showing those great legs. Yeah, now he got to see them in bed. But he also got to see them outside. And see how great she looked in those short skirts. Those endlessly long legs in those killer heels. Yeah, she looked great.

Maybe she was a tomboy being Detective Beckett but, during the suspension she was Kate, just Kate. She wore more feminine things, more girly things, more womanly things.

Many nights they ate together at either the loft or Kate's apartment. Some nights were designated "date nights." On those nights, Kate wore something to show off her legs. She wore the short navy dress she wore one time they went undercover to get the drug dealer. Another night she wore that Herve Leger dress from the "Heat Wave" book launch party.

Kate loved the way Castle looked at her when she wore those dresses. Almost predatory, he would act possessive, protective around her. Making sure that everyone there knew that she was his.

After they got back to the loft, Castle would let her know that she was his.

Athletically.

Very athletically he would remind this tomboy that she was his.

* * *

_Did you ever hear mission bells ringing_

_Well, she'll give you the very same glow_

_When she speaks you would think it was singing_

_Just hear her say hello_

* * *

A/N: 6x14 Dressed to Kill

"Hey," said Castle. "Shall I pour you a glass?"

"Uh … no, not right now." Beckett said with a pensive look on her face.

"Everything alright?" Rick asked seeing Kate's face.

Her face downcast, Beckett threw her coat over the back of the couch. "We have to talk," she said.

Rick closed his pen and turned to her as he said, "Wow, that's something people say before they deliver bad news."

Beckett sat down on the couch facing Castle, placing both hands on his arm as reassurance for them both.

She paused thinking about what she was going to say next.

"You, know when you called last night about the venue?" asked Kate. "I was with Matilda. She wanted me to model a dress. And it was a wedding dress."

She paused. Castle thoughtfully looked at her as if to say, "Go on."

"And when I saw myself in it I just … I started to think about my mom. She would have loved to be part of all of this. To help to pick out the flowers and try on the dresses. And … when I looked at myself in the mirror I just … I, I halfway expected to see her right behind me. And she wasn't there. And just for a moment I thought to myself "I don't know if I can do all this without her". And that is why I said no when you asked about the venue. I'm so sorry, it was so stupid."

"No," Castle gently interrupted, "No, not stupid, human."

"Do you know what else she I wish she could experience?" Kate asked. "You."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she would've loved you."

Rick turned away thinking and then looked back at her. "You know Kate, if you need more time …"

"No," Kate said as she moved closer to Castle on the couch. "No … No, I don't need any more time. I don't want us to wait until the fall. I think we can find a new venue in the spring."

"You think we can pull it off?" Rick asked.

"Yeah, I already have the dress."

Rick closed in for a kiss. Kate wrapped her hands around his neck and pulled him in for a more passionate kiss.

They parted and rested their foreheads together.

Castle pulled away and smiled into Beckett's eyes.

"Wait here for a moment," Rick asked.

Rick got up and walked over to the audio system. He pulled out an old album and put it on the turntable.

As Castle walked back to Beckett on the couch, the music started.

Rick held out his hand to Kate and said, "Dance with me Kate."

Beckett took his hand and stood up. They walked around the coffee table and stood on the floor.

They embraced and started to sway to the music.

As Kate lay her head on Castle's shoulder, she asked, "Coltrane?"

"Mhmm," Castle responded. "I found the album at that used record store I told you about."

They both were silent for a while, enjoying the music and being in each other's arms.

"You know how I know I love you?" Rick asked.

"Hmm." Kate responded leaving her head on Rick's shoulder.

"My body."

Kate pulled away and looked into his eyes with that patented Beckett stare.

"No, no not sexually, Kate."

"Keep digging, Castle." Kate teased.

"No, what I mean is like right now. In your embrace, my body reacts. And I don't mean sexually, although that happens, too." Castle said wiggling his eyebrows.

While Castle spoke, Beckett softened her gaze. Almost smiling at the end.

Castle continued, "When you touch me, when we embrace, I feel my body relax. My blood pressure goes down. I can feel it wash over my body. It is like you anoint my head and it flows down my body from my head to the tips of my fingers and toes. It is like I am immersed in it. I don't react like that with anyone else. Not Mother, not Alexis. It's different with you. And that's how I know I love you."

Castle looked into Beckett's eyes and saw that she understood.

"I was worried at first when you said "We need to talk". But then you sat down and put both your hands on my arm, that's when I knew it would be alright even before you spoke."

Beckett smiled at Castle and then lay her head back on his shoulder.

"Castle, I can feel it, too."

* * *

_I swear to goodness, you can't resist her_

_Sorry for you, she has no sister_

_No angel could replace_

_Nancy [Kate] with the laughing face_

* * *

A/N 5:04 Murder He Wrote, Alluded in 6:08 A Murder is Forever

Kate woke up before Rick on the last morning of their long weekend in the Hamptons. She stretched her arms above her head to loosen up. Kate threw back the covers and noticed the black baby doll nightie on the floor.

"The more expensive the nightgown, the quicker it comes off," the detective in her thought. "But it was enjoyable coming off."

She thought about what she should wear around the house. She wasn't going to walk around the house nude so she decided on the "Spiderman" t-shirt that she "borrowed" from Castle.

Beckett went down the upstairs hall to get to the kitchen to start the coffee and see what she could make for breakfast. She was hungry from all of the activity from last night. Very enjoyable activity.

She smiled as she remembered what she said to Castle last night, "The weekend hadn't turned out exactly as Detective Heat had imagined, but now nothing, not even another murder on the beach could stop her from getting exactly what she desired most."

Beckett thought that she got what she desired most, about the closeness they shared, the way their sex was more than just a simple "doing the dirty deed." It was giving each other pleasure, finding ways of sensuality, continuing to learn each other's erogenous zones.

The acts they performed were more than base carnality. Their touch, their caresses, their kissing revealed a caring and loving joining of two people. Not a selfish "getting off", it was a mutual pleasing. Almost married in spirit if not in actuality.

"He has talented fingers, extremely talented fingers," Kate thought. "Oh. Right. That's how. He types all day on the laptop. He has to have dexterous fingers to type as fast as I have seen him type."

As she wandered down the staircase, she reflected on the rest of the weekend here in the Hamptons. It had been an eventful weekend, solving a murder right in Castle's back yard. Beckett thought she may have to go back to work just to rest up.

Chief Brady had agreed to remove the crime scene tape from around Castle's pool so that Rick's pool man could clean up the mess from all the CSU activity. Castle was going to have his pool man drain and scrub the pool walls to get any germs or blood borne diseases out of the pool. Beckett convinced him not to go to that extreme. The chlorine in the pool and the salt for the chlorine generator were enough to kill any but the most hardy germs, none of which the victim suffered from according to the coroner's report. As a half measure compromise, the pool man agreed to chlorine shock the pool twice over the next week just to me sure. Castle was dead set against swimming in the pool until at least all the shock had dissipated.

Sipping her coffee, Kate proceeded to make breakfast for the two of them. As she was cooking a ham and cheese omelet, she heard the heavy steps of a barely awake boyfriend.

"Morning, Castle."

"Morning, beautiful," Castle sleepily answered.

"What time are we heading back to the city?" Kate asked checking on the omelet.

"After lunch I figure. Don't want to be too late. Traffic into the city will get worse as the afternoon progresses."

"Ok, I'll start packing up."

"Kate, before we leave, I would like to do something with you," Castle said.

"Castle, you are incorrigible, but … okay," Beckett teased as she grabbed the hem of the t-shirt.

"Beckett. Stop. While I would find that extremely pleasurable and we can do that after breakfast, I was thinking of something else."

Kate looked at him questioningly.

"Alexis and I have a tradition when we come out here. Our first weekend of the summer vacation we walk the beach and look for shells. Since this is your first weekend here, I would like to continue that family tradition and walk the beach with you. If … if that's okay with you."

"Castle, I would love to walk on the beach and look for shells. Thank you for including me in a family tradition." Kate said as she walked over the Castle and kissed him.

* * *

_Keep Betty Grable, Lamour and Turner_

_She makes my heart a charcoal burner_

_No angel could replace_

_My Nancy [Kate] with the laughing face_

* * *

A/N: 7x01 Driven

Castle had been missing for a month with no leads. The video of him dropping off the money to crush the Escalade had cause her to waver in her faith in him. But slowly, some faith had returned. She continued to search for him without fail but without success. The belief that she would find him alive dwindled.

Sitting in her apartment, she looked at the new murder board she had set up replacing the one that was her mother's. She would look at Castle's picture in the middle and revive herself.

She knew he loved her in his way. She knew that he was her always, her one and done. And she hoped someday that she would be his "third time's the charm."

Castle had told her that he brings her coffee every morning just to see her smile.

This helped revive her faith that they would find him.

During the search, the pre-publication printing of "Wild Storm" had arrived at the loft which brought its own mixed blessing. On the one hand, there was the excitement of the new book release, but it was tempered with the realization that Castle wasn't going to be part of the excitement.

Castle had been working hard on getting the two books done and to Gina for the final edit before going to the printer. He had finished the Derrick Storm book first and barely finished the Nikki Heat book edits before their planned nuptials. Gina and Paula had told Martha, Alexis and Kate that the Storm book would be out first with the Nikki Heat book following.

Every book he had written since he started following her for inspiration he had dedicated to her except for two. The one to Captain Montgomery and the other cryptically "To My Father" which she wasn't sure she understood.

Kate opened the "Wild Storm" book and looked at the dedication. Her eyes watered as she read the words of love Castle had written only a short time ago.

To My Always,

You make saving the world magical.


End file.
